ssshhhsiznzzntinizazt

I'm a mess right now.
I've been just waiting for a friend to talk. 'Cause today was ....lame. Man I hate this day. Shiznit it's Wednesday. It kinda feels like a Tuesday.
Maan, I can't even think of today! I beome nervous in a second.
Right now I'm listening Eddie Vedder... And it doesn't help. Never think this could happen.
Well, at least one person was nice today. Never thought that after 2 months of knowing each other someone is willing to drive you near home just so you wouldn't have to wait for a train.
I guess there's still hope.

Good Night my little monsters if you're reading this!

my starving heart has been thinking

Imagine two people who once loved each other. And now they don't.
Is it possible that they still care for one another? Even though it seems they don't?
Or does love just fades out into nothing? 'cause if it does - then we live in a pretty screwed up world.

Imagine again. Those two didn't spent much time together. But those little moments when they did were unforgettable. That is what connects them. And no matter what happens, how many years pass by or how they change, those moments stay. And only because of those moments love does not fade out into nothing. I'm sure. I'm sure they still care.
Well, I do not know how do we call this feeling. But it doesn't matter. The feeling is there. No matter how small it is.

It seems that our world isn't so srcewed up after all...

And now I know. Memories aren't fragile.
Memories keeps us together.
Don't forget that.

saying I don't care

I just got so darn inspired by some vlogger today that I just had to create a new post by myself. And yeah, I do miss english. And recently someone has told me, that all I've wrote here for a few past months or so, is just sadness? I could say so... But that sure doesn't mean that I'm sad all the time (though I have my moments of sadness every once in a while) - it's just that I do not waste time thinking 'bout myself and my problems (plus writing that problems down) when I'm happy. The thing is - when I feel good I also automatically feel like being productive. And then I go drawing, studying, playing, vacuuming, brushing my hair etc. Oh, I also love to polish my nails =D Just for the sake of colouring. Well, that explains why I don't write "happiness". Oh, and I forgot to mention - I am NOT sad today =D (though I felt depressed for a few moments while walking across Drava - but doesn't matter)
Maaaaan it feels good to write in english again!! (please, be gentle with comments about my grammar - I know it's not perfect... But doesn't imperfection makes perfection perfect?!! =D - okay, that doesn't make any sense...)
However, I'm strangely confused and happy and satisfied today. And the thing that makes this great is, that I shouldn't be satisfied with myself but I still am. =D I just have one of those days when I simply don't care. And, yes - the world is better when you don't care. And when I remember wednesdays rehearsal for a school play, it makes me laugh. Man, I was stupid =D And until I decided to go home from that rehearsal (because it was pointless to stay - there was just 4 of us (out of I don't really know how many students))  I really tried  to act "not-stupid". And it went well... Until I stepped out of the door. And the door were almost closed. Then an asisstant for materials (who also participates in our play) had to make sure, that he remembered my name... "Aleksandra, right?" (And I only put my head through the door): "Yeah, That's me - Aleksandra." And then he (how kindly of him) reminded me, that we will see again tomorrow. And I was like: "Oh, we will????"
And yes, we did see again the next day - we had practice for materials with him.
But that's not what it went in a "stupid-direction". The thing is - I became soooo confused (of course, because I didn't have a clue about that practice) that I didn't just say "Goodbye everyone, see you next time" (which would be apropriate).. NO... I said goodbye like 3 (or more) times (probably I wasn't sure if everyone heard me..) And just before I closed the door, I also said "Goodnight". I SAID GOODNIGHT AT 6 in the afternoon! (as if students go to sleep at 8...) Well, I instantly began to feel awkward, so I closed that damn door, and ran down the stairs.
Well... When I think of that moment of confusion, I smile. =) Yep, that's me...a confused creature.
We did have another meeting for play today. And I was late (of course...) Everyone was already sitting in a nice half-circle (is that even a word?). And I just sat down at the back of everyone. And I wasn't really talkative (not in a way I can be). And now I think that everyone probably thinks I'm just shy as hell and quiet as hell and....... However I think that they think I'm boring. That I'm lame.
But as I said before!!! =D I don't care.

Uuuu I don't care what you think as long as it's about me. The best of us can find happiness in misery. =D (That's what Patrick (Fall Out Boy-Patrick) sings in a song (well who knew!) I don't care.
Hmmm... I could put a video in here. Well, there you go! Enjoy.

Tryin' to be strong

Moja glava je polna vsega. Polna kaosa in stvari, ki še niso popredalčkane. In to je utesnjujoče.
Smejem se, a v sebi sem negotova, sama, žalostna. Že pred leti mi je nekdo rekel, da sem kot skala. Da ne izražam čustev. Pa se trudim. Le da je se je včasih lažje skriti za nasmehom.
Pa lahko noč...

A niso dežne kaplje kot solze narave na pajčevini?

All we are is dust in the wind...

Dust In The Wind... pesem skupine Kansas... Lepa. Samo predlagam, da poslušate. ... all we do crumbles to the ground. Nočem verjeti. nothing last forever but the earth and sky - it slips away. And all your money
won't another minute buy.
Danes je bil lep sončen jesenski dan. Verjetno eden izmed zadnjih letos. In zato toliko bolj dragocen. In ni boljšega občutka, kot oditi iz predavanja samo zato, da bi živel s takšnim dnem. Sprehod in sončni zahod. Takrat ne potrebujem čisto nič drugega.

Pa vendar... Šele, ko so mi danes razjasnili, da naj bi naš kitarist zapuščal band, ki me je zadnja dva meseca držal pokonci in me polnil z energijo, je prelep sončen dan izginil. Brez kitarista nimamo kaj počet. To je dejstvo. In če ne bom imela teh treh ur dvakrat na teden, se mi prav zlahka lahko poslabša. Zdaj, ko nas "filajo" z arhitekturo in vsem drugim, bom brez tega pobega iz vsakdana tenko piskala.
S svojim življenjem sem drugače trenutno zadovoljna. Rada spoznavam nove ljudi, študij mi je všeč, naključja so fantastična. In vsak dan znova mi je jasno, kako je svet majhen. Oz. kako je Maribor majhen... In spet... Koga pa briga? Želela sem napisati nekaj, kar bi se vam vsedlo v srce ali misli. Nekaj, kar bi vam spremenilo dan. Ali mišljenje. Pa čeprav samo enemu. Pa čeprav samo za minuto... Ker največja žalost na tem svetu je to, da si ne dovolimo živeti tako, kot želimo. Da se uklanjamo "normalni" večini. Da nas je strah novih stvari. Da smo nezaupljivi do vsakega, ki ga ne poznamo vsaj pol življenja. Da obsojamo tiste, ki si upajo živeti svoje sanje, v sebi pa nas grize, da tudi mi nismo tako pogumni.  And all we are is dust in the wind... 



I close my eyes only for a moment and the moment's gone. THE MOMENT IS GONE! In ja - trenutek lahko spremeni vse. Pa ssj to vsi veste. Zakaj še torej oklevate, ko se gre za vaše življenje, vašo prihodnost?

P.S.: Ne pričakujem, da ste vsi dojeli bistvo. Pač nisem vešča v pisanju. A vaja naj bi delala mojstra. Torej - see you next time.

gone-to-hell = Planet Earth

Ne vem sicer kdo še to bere in razmišljam, da bi se podala v bolj internacionalno obliko bloga. Se pravi, da bi se morala začeti ukvarjati še z mojo angleščino. Ampak vložen trud bi se poplačal, če bi še koga na tem svetu zanimal moj majhen svet in težave v njem (ki si jih velikokrat delam sama po nepotrebnem). Zdi se mi namreč, da mi beseda ne teče več kot mi je včasih. In morda bo steklo bolje v tujem jeziku. but who cares.
Skratka, danes razmišljam, če se splača ukvarjati s tistimi ljudmi, ki se očitno nočejo več ukvarjati z mano. Enostransko dajanje. Nima smisla, ni tako?
In šele zdaj dojemam, da je prijateljstvo med dvema osebama lahko izredno krhko, če ga ne negujeta. In zdaj razumem, da tudi kot dober prijatelj enostavno ne moreš prežvečiti in pregrizniti nekaterih stvari. Ostajaš zvest, seveda; a ne pozabiš zlahka.
Samo eden ni dovolj, da bi ohranil kvalitetno prijateljstvo. Unfortunately.

That's just how it is.

Danes je petek. 13. avgust. In meni je malo mar. Ljudje pa še vedno verjamejo v moč številk. To je žalostno in smešno hkrati.
Kakorkoli. Današnji petek sem spet doma. Ždim. Med popoldansko nevihto nisem imela druge možnosti, kot da rišem. Pri nas so namreč vse elektronske naprave med grmenjem izklopljene. In prav zaradi tega imam rada nevihte. Takrat, ko ni priporočljivo gledati televizije ali strmeti v računalniški ekran in vsako minuto preverjati novosti na Facebooku, Gmailu in blogih; se moraš znajti in preživeti čas sam s sabo. In to mi gre od rok. Žalostno, da obvladam, kako biti sama? Ja, človek se pač navadi in prilagodi. Ampak to nosi tudi posledice. Vsak, ki hoče v moj svet, bo moral pokazati veliko mero potrpežljivosti. Saj bi to želela spremeniti, pa ne gre zlahka. Žal.
Vsi tisti, ki pa ste že del mojega življenja, hvala. Da si vzamete čas. Vsi tisti, ki ste že v mojem svetu, boste tu tudi ostali. Ker se bom na vse kriplje trudila, obljubim. Ampak, saj veste, da enostransko to ne gre. In vse ima nekje mejo. Tudi pri meni. Žal pa sem take vrste oseba, pri kateri je v drugo težje priti nazaj v njen svet.
Aja, pa še to: Dragi moški spol. PROSIM, naučite se že zijati manj očitno.

P.S. Pravkar poslušam Switchfoot in njihovo Enough To Let Me Go. Zdi se mi pravšnja za ta trenutek. Pravijo, da: every seed dies before it grows. Morda pa se tudi jaz samo motim. Pa me naslednjič spomnite, da dam odpisanim novo priložnost.

briefly

Danes sem kupila bele tempere za 2 €, nato ugotovila, da mi primanjkuje črne in se zopet spomnila, da mi ugajajo Better Than Ezra. Pa sploh ne vem, če ta band še obratuje... Hmmm. Skratka, z njihovim albumom (Before The Robots) obujam spomine na lanskoletne čečkarije... =D (Ko sem še želela spremeniti svet).

So kids, please do not play with our world. Poletje 2009. (Wanna go back)

Moj "To do List"

Če se kmalu nekaj v mojem življenju ne bo premaknilo samo od sebe, bom pa za to poskrbela jaz.

In moja naslednja dva cilja sta:
- vpisati se na tečaj jadralnega padalstva,
- in samoobrambe.

Potem mojih doma ne bo strah, če se pri tridesetih (in še zmeraj samska) odločim, da grem iskat boljši prostor pod našim soncem.